Am I fixable…

Hey Friends,

I have been hesitant to post today because a lot has been on my mind, and to stay true to my goals and to remain transparent to my readers I decided to go ahead and share my thoughts with you all. Man is this Friday so different from last Friday! The morning I woke up, got ready like I normally do and headed off to my doctors appointment. An appointment I set up for myself last week cause I was sure I was developing a hernia on my right side, and with my family and friends push to get it checked out I agreed. Then my husband said “babe while your there have them check out your boob” LOL! sorry guys who are reading this or my dad for that matter TMI, but long story short the past few months I was developing a good size lump in my left boob. It wasn’t really bothering me much, but in the bedroom hubby would notice and it was time to get that looked at too. So with no expectations going into the doctor I tell her about my problems, she examines me and then concerns show all over her face. The mass on my right side near my rib was not what felt to be like a hernia, and the lump on my left boob was not appearing to be “fat” that moved around in that area. My doctor was great in saying to me yes we have found a lump and a mass, but lets start with some testing to make sure neither are dangerous to you right now. I actually even walked out of that appointment thinking ok, now step two for testing and then step three for results.


So I told my news to my husband who was waiting anxiously for me to get out of my appointment, and his response was sweet, and genuine but I could also sense fear in his message. Sensing fear in his message really made me think about dang what if this is the end of the end, and the start of a new beginning to an unknown. What if I end up the “sick one” of the family? All these what ifs. Then I told my mom, and my mother n law and I was getting the same reaction from them as I got from my husband. What if I was taking all this information far too lightly. My drive to work was about 45 mins and by the time I got to work, like I have said in previous posts I wear my heart on my sleeve, and wear my feelings well. But I seen my good friend and just cried, wait why am I crying? All I know is I have a lump and a mass. All I know is the next step is testing. I cried because I was accepting. I cried because I know what is at stake.


I am a grateful human being, and I really try not to take moments for granted, as I work in a field where innocent children end up with awful diseases, and sicknesses. No one is obsolete in getting cancer, no one is obsolete from being in an accident. But knowing I may now be the next number to science to having developed a serious illness really puts perspective on life. Seriously in this last week I have gone from high/high to low/lows. I am working so hard on my personal development, I am working so hard in my bible studies, I am working so hard in understanding my life’s destiny, even had the discussion with my husband on adding baby #2 in the world this week. Here I am doing so much work on myself, serving in all the areas of my life I know how to serve and today I get told I have a lump and a mass.


I’m not at all angry at god for today and my news, actually I caught myself in extreme peace when I just sat and prayed. I am not going to say but it was never supposed to happen to me, because quite honestly as a doctor told my mom and I even this week our family just has some bad genes. What I am going to do is still continue to live my best life, still serve through my hurt, still praise the lord and what blessings he has given me in my 32 years of life. I am not going to stress about the unknown, I will take whatever news I get next week from testing with grace. I will still continue to share my story with you all, remain transparent as I can be in hopes my story, my life’s journey will help others out in the world. I will not let fear take over my spirit, I am way passed that stage of my life. I made peace in that this world is my temporary home and I know where I will go the day god calls me home. Readers so tonight all I ask is to say a prayer for me, and my journey. #Thisismedoinglife #Godsincontrol #Iwillbeok


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