Knowing he is good no matter what season…

Hey, Hey, Hey

I am just a ball of inspiration here the morning, and for the first time I am having the hardest time with the title of this blog. Usually my Monday mornings are filled with catching up on sermon videos from not only my church if I had to miss on a Sunday but other local churches in my area, different podcasts I have heard about throughout the week, or if I am really into my audible I will sneak an hour of time into putting on my headphones do some work, and zone out into my book. Some may ask well why do you watch other churches sermons? My answer to this is diversity my friends. Diversity is a great thing! Diversity allows for you to see ideas in the vision of another person, or another organization. When used correctly Diversity can be a powerful tool. If it was not for Diversity I would have remained stuck and not have allowed myself to grow as god has intended me too.

I heard something today that really shook my soul. ” Your either growing or dying”-Dave Hollis. I heard this today and was blown away because although I thought of sentences similar to this idea, I had not said these words in this order. But hearing Dave Hollis tell me this today got me thinking. The times I have felt most alive, most vulnerable to pain were beyond uncomfortable. But these times in my life looking back I was not dying but indeed growing into myself like nothing I had experienced before. The last few years in our family has not been easy, my mom who was already disabled from Epilepsy and mental health, would become now physically very sick and disabling to a degree none of us had ever experienced before. As her daughter, her Power of Attorney, her health advocate, this put an endless amount of pressure on me. How would I learn to juggle my family life with my boys and my adopted niece, maintain a full time job, keep the endless amount of doctor appointments in order, tend to my moms “new normal”, make sure bills are paid for two households. How does one person manage so many daily tasks?? Outsiders looking in like my co-workers, my bosses, friends, family members all helped as much as they could to help watch the kids, work my accounts while I needed to be away from work, helped me get my FMLA in order so at least my job was protected. There were many long nights after being in a hospital all day and night with my mom where I would get home and just cry, cry in anger to god as to why is he allowing so much suffering for our family. Why my mom lord?! Hadn’t she been through enough in her lifetime? My mom was born as a DES daughter (Its a long name and worth a google search for), it was a shot for women back in the day received to prevent them from miscarrying. My mother was born from this injection and in return has had some major health conditions all her life. My mother is a cancer survivor and not just one form of cancer but multiple.

It was rare she was able to have had kids at all (but here I am). My mother has suffered most of her life, and within the last two years her suffering would take on a whole new meaning. My moms cancer and treatments, and failed treatments to colon cancer would all lead up to her needing to have a permanent Ostomy. This would require major surgery of her whole intestinal tract. No one in our family or immediate friends had we ever known to have one of these. How do they work? How do we keep this thing clean? There was so many questions and we as a family felt lost for answers. I as my moms health advocate felt lost on how to guide her to feel ok about this procedure. I remember the day of that BIG Surgery thinking my mom is not going to be ok with how this thing looked or felt when she awoke from surgery. My mom and I love her to pieces is stubborn, very much cares how she presents herself to the world, was not going to be ok with this. And although she was aware it would give her back a better quality of life than what she had been experiencing for the past year. I truly felt this image alone would shut her down and kill her in the end.

It’s hard for me to write these words even now as we embark on the two year anniversary of this surgery happening. After surgery though she did great! She was healing, we as a family were all learning our roles and how we could help with my moms “new normal” I was getting the hang of learning how to order her supplies, what she needed everyday, her diet (cause yes eating the right food tie into all this as well). And for the last two years the times it seems when we take 2 steps forward, we get slapped in the face and are taken 5 steps back. Such as the first time she experienced her first wound around her Ostomy, to even write the word “wound” down does not give my mom, and what she experienced pain wise justice. It was gross, it was awful to witness what she went through when she had this wound. It was like the wound had a mind of its own in the beginning. But my mom pushed through, my mom prevailed. Remember when I said I prayed prayers many nights into why god continues to allow her to feel such great pain in her life? Then it hit me today “You are either growing or your dying.”

Through my mother’s experiences we have all grown such as myself, my husband, my step dad, even the kids. The kids remained so flexible with us adults, they have had to adjust to schedule changes more than a 5 or 6 year old should be asked too. Because the pain was so evident and I wear my emotions on my sleeve the kids were also not shielded from the emotions we all felt at that time either. Our kids probably know more about Ostomy’s and the body in general than they need too and I like to think this will help them in the future when they both become Doctors of some sort. LOL! Going through that kind of pain with my mom is not something I would like to relive and although she still has her Ostomy and will forever, we as a family have a better handle when the unexpected happens with my moms body changes, blood levels, wounds, etc. God answered my prayers loud and clear to me. He’s not done yet with my mom here on this earth, and encouraged me to “please” stop praying that prayer to him.

I’m not even sure my mom sees this or finds this to be true, but her story alone has brought so many people to Christ. Her own story has even helped herself go back to her faith, as she for so long became angry asking all the hard questions. Why me lord? Why me?? I write today to show that even in our family’s worst season together god was there and he was doing good. We as individuals grow when we are in uncomfortable seasons, remember that the next time the unexpected happens. #Thisismedoinglife

Fear is a Liar


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s